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| I can't beleive this.... for the very first time in my life, I now actually know how it feels to stand next to someone I love, and be able to her in my arms.....its a pain that I can't bare in my chest, a pain that I can't handle.. GOD is working himself through me right now and I know that its the thing that I need the most besides my kids...I miss her so much. I miss every single little or big thing that I do with her, shes my everything. I wish I knew the right things to say and do for her. I really beleive that GOD doesnt want for our family to be broken like this, I know that he wants me and her to be married. But what can I do? I pushed her so far and so hard that its taking me everything to do to get her back. GOD doesn't like broken families, I don't want a broken family, and she doesn't want a broken family. But why is she making the decision to have our family be broken up like this? I just don't get it anymore.......I would be better off being dead without her by my side. The thing that eats me up inside the most is when I look at my kids, I just can't beleive I was the cause of this....ITS MY FAULT DAMMIT!!!....I JUST WANT TO DIE, I CAN'T GO ON LIVING AND KNOWING THAT I BROKE OUR FAMILY APART!!! | | |
| | im doing good.sometimes i feel like im doing just great but then one second later i feel like my heart is down in the dumps. my heart is not as aching as much as i thought it would. my mind is leading me in directions that lead me to nowhere. sometimes i feel like my mind is fooling around with me &at the same time, my heart is deceiving me. i am trying to "lean not on my own understanding." i have to walk by what i believe in, my faith. i only just marked it on my back permanently-- 2 corinthians 5:7. i want things to get better, i want me and him to be better and be happy. i know this path is not going to be smooth and easy, but painful and confusing. I am sad that things are the way they are, but if this is what will help us become a stronger family for the future then i will sacrifice this pain. I can honestly say that i am taking this better than i thought i would &if you knew me back then, you would agree with me but my past doesnt matter because i did not have my own family like i do now. having a family changes everything. Caleb has helped me mature in every way. i wish i knew what he was thinking about every minute of the day, so that i knew whether or not he still misses me, loves me and wants to be with me. i wouldnt have to worry about losing him. i am trying to stay strong and doing my best to control all the foolish thoughts/assumptions that are trying to take over my head. i want to change the way i act & think. after having that serious/personal conversation with him i thought and thought. i have that strong feeling still that at the end we will meet again. i do not know when but the only way to make it right and work is to change the way things are right now. what happens in between now and then is unpredictable. i just know that im not going to start a new life with someone else when the life i have now is worth fighting for and changing for. its gonna be hell to get there but the only way to get there is to be happy because happiness is not a destination, it is the way. maybe this will give the both of us time to rekindle our feelings/love for each other. all i can do is expect the worst but pray for the best. i know that there will not be a day where i wont think about "us" though or what youre really feeling when it seems like youre happy not being with me. i wish it didnt have to always be in the back of my head but i have to learn to be open-minded about this decision and just smile. |
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| So finally all of the months of thinking and questioning what it was that I was feeling has been answered, I'm so glad to have GOD as someone I can turn to for all of my prayers..... Now I realize how much you're worth to me, I know almost everything I did were all wrong. I feel so alone right now, I now know how it is to be in your shoes. I give myself all the credit for making you not want me anymore, but I know it wont be for long, I just have to make everything right again. I still see me in your heart, no matter how much you want to deny it or hide it, I see it.....when I look straight into your eyes, I know it still hurts you that we're no longer together. To be happy again I know I have to pursue it, like how you're pursuing yours. All I ask is that you save me enough room in your heart to prove to you how much I love you and how I want to put you first. I know it frustrates you to be hearing this from me now, you expected so much from how I used to talk to you......SORRY....... I'm already starting to make ammends for it all, so please beleive me when I tell you "I LOVE YOU". You are the gift from GOD that I din't appreciate, I put you up on the shelf and I just left you there. GOD has taken you away from me for now, he said that I have to earn you back again, beleive me when I tell you I'm commited to doing that..... | | |
| This is more for the personal day to day to routine...... Man its been a long time ever since I started this xanga thing, I remember I was like in the middle school or something, and I remember I use to write on this thing just so that in a way I can gain some attention from people I knew. Thank GOD I grew out of that, the only reason I'm writing about it is that its just so funny and more enjoyable when you're young!....I feel so old now, having two kids and now being twenty one......Oh well shit happends and no matter what life will hit you like a big wrecking ball...... More to the topic of this.....So my step-father is in the hospital, in a few hours from now hes gonna have a bypass surgery.....Growing up I kind of din't like him more to the reason of his relationship with my mom, I have always hated the times they would fight and cost me a lot of agony inside, knowing they hurt each other.....Growing up into the man I am now, I can't believe its barely hitting me now that my dad has been kind to me and my mom......He's been there with us through thick and thin, even though I wasn't his blood son, he accepted me with all of his heart.....Today I visited him and as I walked out of the room I began to cry.....I now realize the importance of this man to me, hes been the only father I have known since I was little, because I was born into this world without a father to look up to.....I owe him almost everything, I just wished now that I could've been a better son to him......I pray to GOD that he gives him the strenght to get through this obstacle......peace | | |
| Hello again my lonely XANGA..... Well I'm just gonna get right to it....So Marisse and I finally got to that point where we finally noticed that its taking way too long to getting back to where we were before.....Upon noticing this we decided that we should just stop and try a new aveneu, meaning that maybe we need to try seeing other people out there so that we can be sure that theres no one else for us out there................... As much as I know a lot of people would think that this spunds bad, its not. I mean it is gonna look worse on my side, because I'm the fucking guy, you know "I" was the one who got her pregnant. I just think that a lot of people need to stop and think before they start talking, I know it would be better to know the facts first before you all start talking shit.....It takes two to tango people so keep that in mind.....On her side ofcourse its gonna be aight, a lot of women like to empower themselves and they fucking love spreading it to others without even realizing what or who's lives they're ruining......You know what saying I hate that a typical women would do to make their fellow woman feel good, "YOU'RE BETTER OFF WITHOUT HIM", I swear that bullshit pisses me off. I mean how can someone else know whats best for you, you yourself can only know that! I know for a fact that everyone is thinking that I'm a sleazy fool who's just gonna be girl crazy and fuck every girl he meets.....One advice I have for all of you out there, get to know me first because you don't know who you are fucking with....peace.... | | |
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